Bucket List

Alright, so people talk about and around bucket lists but if we write them down two things will happen. One we have to face our own mortality.  Two we hold in our hands what we actually want to do in this lifetime and we are held accountable.  It means I actually have to get off this couch and LIVE.

I am standing up!

So I have MS.  Let me break it to you folks....in life, nobody gets out alive.  So maybe I have a clue of what I may die from.  I am glad.  Makes me face my mortality and the fact with 4 children 14 -6 years old,  that need their mother, I hear it with every heartbeat.  Everyone I love never leaves without me saying, "I love you."  I try to give my kids "life lessons" when ever I can...  I try to never miss an opportunity to give a compliment or to tell them how proud I am of each of them.  I make it a point to have my eyes light up every time one of them comes home and actually listen about the little details of their day.  My house may not be as clean as I want it but the Lego ships get built and the toe nail are painted.  I hold each of them a little longer and a little tighter and I always tell each one of them that they are my very favorite. (they all know I say that to each of them but they still love to hear it)

My Bucket List

 1.  I want to never stop doing the above and to start back writing them letters in a sealed envelope only for their eyes some day.  Though this time I need to write the occasion to open it. :)   I dearly hope we are opening them together.  

2.  Continue to volunteer but I want to inspire kids/teens to do the same and make it possible so they can,.    I was born into this world to give and will do so until I cannot.

3.  Write.  Challenge my myself more and more to write until I am again published in some way 3 more times.

4.  Explore my spiritual being on this earth in great depth 

5.  Sky Dive!  I want to fly outside of my dreams!  Why not fling myself out of an airplane...

This is just the beginning.  I may be knocked down by MS right now but there is an end date when medications should start working again and the world better watch out for me....  I know I already have made a difference in this world.  If nothing else Hanna, Lily, Alex and Logan are wonderful human beings and I am lucky to be their mother.

Live it Right

You only live once... but if you do it right once is enough.  

 Mae West

power

you can only be
what you give yourself
the power to be

native american proverb

3 am again

alright alright I need to figure this out.  Where is this anxiety coming from?  Not possible to decifer while in the event however...  

when the sun turns black

3 am

3am dont want to think.  Cannot sleep

Birthday

Birthday  29?  Nope not anymore 37.
Half way through my life though I like to think of it as experienced.
We all think what happens next?
Graduations, retirement, maybe wrinkles.
The mortality of life is there but obscure.
It is not the mortality that I am afraid of.
What happens next when you wonder will my future be a wheelchair, extreme pain, or not knowing my own childen's faces.
What do you do when your mind goes there at three in the morning?  Do you go along?  Do you plan ahead, more then a bucket list, but what your life will be like or what you will need.
Do you write goodbye letters to your children at 37?  Do you plan your death.  I find that so much easier to do then plan my life.  To know that your husband probably will have to make that decision to withdraw care.  No longer hypothetical but real.